January 2009


1-29-09: Was I supposed to be issued a baton? Must look into this. 1900 Hours.

1-29-09: “No sir, I have no idea how that blood got on my baton. But, you know, you’re welcome.” 1800 Hours

1-29-09: Found some kids smoking. Put out their cancer sticks with my little spray bottle. They asked if I had any “actual work to do”. I’ll show them “actual work.” 1700 Hours

1-29-09: Gonna go see Paul Blart tomorrow.  Finally, a film that treats this noble profession with RESPECT. 1500 Hours

1-29-09: Suspect started running when I got to close. Very suspicious.  1300 Hours

1-29-09: Patrolling overflow in the Jeep. Girl walking to class, smoking. Engaging in pursuit. 1200 Hours

1-29-09: Weekly run through Barstow lot. Noticed 6 cars parked illegally. Returned to base. 1100 Hours

1-24-09 – 1-28-09: Nothing of interest to report. *Totally not a cop out*

1-23-09: No leads on The Black Lung. Also: spotted a student’s car stuck in the layer of snow still in the lot. Decided to return to base and update this. 2000 Hours.

1-23-09: Trying out the new camera at Carroll Street. Spotted some smokers. Headed to the scene. 1900 Hours.

1-23-09: Oh, I smacked ’em with my flashlight. I bet that was…uhh, enlightening? Eh…1850 Hours.

1-23-09: Saw some offensive PDAs in the PIT tonight when I was trying to grab my free Mama Leone’s. I wanna start using more abbreviations…ASAP. 1800 Hours.

1-23-09: Speaking of, holy crap, right? That place makes Rankin and the Bergs look like really really crummy places to be. OH WAIT. ha ha! 1300 Hours.

1-23-09: Found some students tracking snow into the new Voorhees entrance. They won’t make that mistake again. 1200 Hours

1-22-09: xfghddvbrtyurveusergoidrubvlsvblblsvb oh…oh shit. Fell asleep on the keyboard again. 1900 Hours

1-22-09: The Troublesome Trio? That’s not too bad. Maybe I’ll sleep on it. 1700 Hours.

1-22-09: No leads on any of the Most Wanted. Oh, they need a collective name…hmmm…1500 Hours.

1-22-09: Alright, here’s a Most Wanted list: 3. “The Window Watcher”. 2. “The Butt Grabber”. 1. “The Black Lung.” 1400 Hours.

1-22-09:  Oh, something about a peeping tom this morning. I was in the bathroom. 1300 Hours.

1-22-09: Instead of SSX, how’s this: “The Black Lung”? Sounds more sinister. 1200 Hours

1-22-09: No sign of SSX (Serial Smoker X). Putting in a proposal to start up an official Machete Squad to bust idiots like him. 900 Hours.

1-21-09: Calling off search for perp. This is why we need room in the budget for dogs. And those pepper spray grenade launchers you see on riot videos. That’d be siiiiiiiiick. 1400 Hours

1-21-09: Went with “Get your BUTTS outta here!”. I’m proud of it. Proceeded to introduce the one scofflaw to my friend, the pavement. The other ran off, still in pursuit of him. 1320 Hours

1-21-09: Responding to a call of smokers outside Steele/Swarth. Trying to think of a cool anti-smoking quip to say when I bust the assholes. 1300 Hours

1-21-09: Going on patrol, students are back, probably up to some stupid shit. 1200 Hours

1-20-09: Crap…fell asleep on the job again. I wonder how many calls I missed…nothing sounds on fire…I’m sure it’s fine. 1500 Hours

1-20-09: No, thank you, Mr. Obama. Saving your daughter from those mutant space terrorists was my pleasure. 1400 Hours

1-20-09: I’m talking fully armored bullet proof robot suit for the President…satellite guided laser defense system…able to target even a small child from orbit. That’d stop any shenanigans. 1250 Hours

1-20-09: They call that a security detail? If I was in charge, nobody would be able to sneeze with me knowing. 1200 Hours.

1-20-09: Incoming call from South Berg. They must be joking, I’m not going out there. The Bergs suck! 900 Hours

1-20-09: Students…the bane of my existence…they’ll be back any second, but I’m ready. Oh, I’m ready. 700 Hours

1-19-09: Recieved report of someone slipping on the ice by Shattuck. Possibly prank call. Proceeding to not respond. 800 Hours

1-19-09: Back on the job. Day off did me good. Feel sharper…quicker…like a sleek jungle cat. Ready to pounce on my prey…troublemakers…college students…700 Hours

1-18-09: Being relieved of duty for the remainder of the day. File this bulletin under “nobody appreciates me” 600 hours


1-18-09: My wife…my wife…God, I miss her so much…300 Hours

1-18-09: I should grow a mustache. I bet my wife would think it’s sexy…200 Hours

1-17-09: Nothing to report. Gonna try and nap. 2300 Hours.

1-17-09: They weren’t. Now I need something to drink. BRB. 1900 Hours.

1-17-09: Doing unnecessary rounds of Campus Center. Nothing appears out of place. Should check MDR. See if things are locked up. 1875 Hours.

1-17-09: False Alarm. It was Old Man Harrison again. And he would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for handsome and intelligent Campus Safety Officer, [NAME REMOVED] 1800 Hours.

1-17-09: Responding to a call about ghostly figures in Kilgour. 1700 Hours

1-17-09: Nobody appreciates the protection I offer this campus. Someday everyone will know the name of [CAMPUS SAFETY OFFICER] 400 hours

1-17-09: I am the law. I am the judge. I am the jury. I am the law. 200 hours

1-17-09: I love this job. I wish they’d give me a sidearm though. They’ll break eventually. Everyone does. 100 Hours.

1-16-09: No further word from overflow lot. It was probably nothing. 1850 Hours.

1-16-09: Recieved call of suspicious activity in overflow parking lot 1800 Hours.

1-15-09: The chocolate didn’t know anything. 1630 Hours.

1-15-09: No sign of intruders at Main Hall. Half of chocolate bar found on the floor. It will be taken back to HQ for futher questioning. 1620 Hours.

1-15-09: Responding to report of suspicious activity in Main Hall. 1600 Hours.


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